Scars!

When I was a child, at the age of 5, sometime after the hurricane Gilbert passed over Kingston, I got a 'cut'. As an only child at this time, I often played by myself outside, and well . . . you see . . . the hurricane had pretty much just passed and I, being of sound mind and everything, wanted to investigate the crime scenes in our backyard. I remember there being grass and debris everywhere, the place looked a wreck! The best playground EVER!!! 


So I found my grandmother's grape vine. I'd always see grandma fishing around her grape vine and well, I'd always wanted to try and climb it. Well, not the vine, by the frame itself. One thing led to another, and . . . I got cut! I got a deep massive intrusion (a so di medical phrase go?!) on my upper inner left thigh. I got probably 8 stitches for it and a nasty scar to remind me of this story. The funny part is that no one has an accurate account of the incident. I was 5! I cant recall the full details of the event, besides my mother AND grandmother both have their own accounts of the event! But, this is my version . . . and I'm sticking to it!


Because of this particular scar, I was always afraid to wear swimsuits in public, I avoided shorts, any kind of clothing that would reveal this 'horror'. But then I got to an age when I just couldn't bother trying to hide it anymore. I HAD to view my scar in a different light. This particular scar taught me that at a very young age, I was a tough cookie! In fact, all my scars show me that I was real badass! For instance, there is a scar on my forehead that I got from falling out of a tree (just writing this out makes me laugh). I was at prep school waiting on my ride home when I decided to climb a tree in the parking lot. Somehow I fell out and got cut in my forehead. At this point, the principal was used to me running into the office with blood all over me. Anyways, I was taken to the hospital to get stitched up again. My mother says I was so restless, irritable, and crying, ONLY because I could not see what the Doctor was doing. Apparently the nurse insisted on covering my eyes. Once they got a mirror and allowed me to watch the Doctor sew up my forehead (like I can make sure he's doing it right?!) I was fine! I was a real Badass!!!


I have a scar on my shin I got from my dog who bit me one evening (maybe I was too sweet for him not to try, I dunno). I have one right above my left knee I got while washing the car, one on my index finger from washing a glass that was broken (that I didn't know about), one in the back of my head - a girl at school ran smack dab right into me like I wasn't even there - floored me completely!


My point is, if you sat down and counted how many scars you had and how you got it, you'd 1. definitely laugh at the stories, 2. like the memory lane tour, and 3. feel somewhat proud about how you got these scars, as silly as they may seem. These scars define your character. I'm not saying they make you who you are, but they definitely add character to your personality. And I love all my scars, I am proud of my battle wounds (Lol!), and the stories they tell!


What got me thinking though, was, why can we be so candid about our physically ugly scars and the stories behind them but life's scars are way more scary?! And for a 'people' sooooo image conscious, its strange that our physical scars are more acceptable and openly discussed, but the scars we cant see? Those scars are well hidden away behind rubble, debris, and loads of baggages.


If a physical scar adds character, why doesn't an emotional scar also add character? Not because they are 'emotional' scars doesn't mean we must hang onto the experience and fear it. Nor does it mean we should never acknowledge or appreciate what we went through to get that scar. If I can get a scar from washing the car, does that mean I should fear washing cars? Or even the dishes? What about getting a dog? My own dog bit me as a child. Does that mean I shouldn't get a dog? (Cause I already have a puppy who loves to bite). My second point is, scars (whether physical or emotional) serve as a reminder of some experiences we have to go through, but they should never hinder us from personal growth.


One major emotional scar for me was growing up without a father-figure. Many people have gone through this, many people are going through this right now, for whatever reason, whether he died, or he just chose not to be around (which was my case). Fact of the matter is, I had/have no father. But this scar doesn't just remind me of that fact, it makes me appreciate all the men I have in my life now. My relationship with my boyfriend, my grandfather, my male friends, their wives/girlfriends, and their relationship with their children, I appreciate them all. And because of this, I understand the importance of a father in my children's lives.


So, if you take nothing else from this post, take this - your scars (whether physical or emotional) help build your character. Try to look at your scars in a different light and embrace the lessons learnt. But if nothing else, try to find some humour in the stories of those scars, something that'll make the acceptance much easier.

Peace, Love, and Happiness . . . Always!

I had a dream!

. . . not like the M.L.King's "I had a dream" . . . but a dream nonetheless. A frightening yet comforting dream. For in this dream I was lost, in time and space (quite possibly a result of all the Doctor Who I've been watching), but lost in a place I know not of, and in a time that doesn't quite exist. I was lost in a sea of restless tides, ebbing and flowing, sometimes warm, but mostly cold and sad.

I'm lost in this sea of 'Nothingness', in the middle of nowhere, with no one around. Not a star in the sky, not a light on the horizon, not a boat in sight. Nothing! 

I'm left to wade these dark, cold, restless waters. Forced to listen to the ramblings of my thoughts, the pining of my soul for something more. But here in these dark troubled waters, lies Nothing but me!

While this is all frightening, the idea of not knowing where you are, where to go, and what to do, what's more frightening still is the prospect that I'm here, all alone, left behind, forgotten. But as I strain my eyes against the darkness all around me, I can hear the frantic breathing of other souls left to wade these waters alone. Alas, I'm not really alone! This brings some comfort regardless how dire the situation may seem. There are people here, in the same sea as me, in this empty, dark, cold, and lonely place. And they are as lost as I am.

How did we get here? Where is here? How do we leave? How do we survive? 

I am lost! 

Without a shadow of a doubt! 

I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or how to do anything! And while this frightens the 'daylights' out of me, I am comforted by the fact that there are people, all over the world, who are right here with me.

PS: If you know someone in this exact position, or if you are or have been in this position, just leave me a comment (anything, even a "I know how you feel") would mean the WORLD to me right now! Just so I'd know, this is not just some idle thought but that I am really NOT alone!

Thank you!

Whatever happened . . . happened!

I've always heard that saying - "Whatever happened, happened!" and no matter what that 'whatever' was, my response was always "Well it DID happened, and now I'm pissed and/or hurt! What do you want me to do?" And based on the very same saying, obviously I couldn't do anything about it - because it already happened! Duh!!!

But this is ME we're talking about. I have NEVER been able to just 'let things go'. If I'm crossed, angered, betrayed, etc, etc, etc, well . . . I'll be cross, angry, hurt, etc, etc, etc. But the thing is these feelings hold you back from moving on, from forgiving, from learning, from developing as an individual. Whenever you encounter that person/situation that upset you, you remember EVERYTHING! You go over the story of how things played out, you remember your anger or hurt, and you constantly remind yourself of how bad of a person you are, or how bad the other person was. Is this the way we should really live? Of course NOT! But why does this happen? Why is it easier for one person to forgive and move on and not the other? Why when a friend betrayed me in the past, I stay up all night reliving the story, while the friend is sound asleep, without a care in the world?!

There are alot of disciplines or teachings that advocate against this kind of . . . being. And rightfully so. Because then, life would simply suck ass if all we did was keep record of everybody's wrong. There are the Fruits of the Spirit (if you are religious like myself) that stipulate how we should all deal with each other regardless of the past. The Fruits of the Spirit being Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control are the basic traits one must develop, and in doing so would result in less hurt or broken relationships, and would make forgiveness a breeze (for people like me). Another popular teaching I'm reading up on now is the Inner Peace 'movement' (for want of a better word) or Zen-like living, that teaches one to get rid of all ill feelings in order to achieve personal peace.

The question is . . . HOW?

How do you get rid of feelings that have been brewing inside your head for some time?
How do you just 'let things go'?
How do you leave the past in the past?
How do you forgive someone who's betrayed you without allowing them to hurt you again?
How do you move on?

It is necessary to 'let go' of the things that happened and move on. Life continues, with or without me! So why is it so hard to 'live and let live'? Another big part of this . . . concept, is forgiving yourself for holding on to the grudges as long as you do. Is that the first or last step? I cant tell! But I do know, in order to find my own Inner Peace, and be happy in life, I have to let go of the things, people, and situations that have caused me pain in the past, because they are - in fact - in the past. There is literally NOTHING I can do about it. Soooo I've lost quite a few friends, passed up several opportunities because of this paralysing hurt, and hindered my personal progress because I'm always looking back - it is now time to move forward!

"Whatever happened . . . Happened (for a reason)!"

That Mean Ole' Lizard Brain!

Following my 'Mission - April' blog, my thoughts became flooded with a million and one questions like a thunderstorm. 

What if this doesnt work?

You sure you dont want to push back the date?

Are you strong enough?

What if you cant find the market?

What if you cant pay the bills?

What if you fail?

Then came the self-doubt and the negative chatter:

This wont work!

You're not strong enough!

You'll fail just like everything else in this life! 

. . . "Ouch!"

You're not gonna finish this . . . just like all the other projects you cant seem to finish!

. . . "Ooo Low-blow!"

You're just not ready for this! You're not strong enough! 

Dont even think about it!

Now, I made sure to write it all out so that: 

1. If you're going through a similar change/challenge in your life, you can identify the negative thoughts and self-doubt that may be going on in your head also. We can be . . . No! We are some serious harsh critics of our own damn selves you know!
2. I can recognize what is called the Lizard Brain (read about this somewhere on Zenhabits.net, will post link soon). The Lizard Brain literally kicks in when we're being challenged or are threatening the 'norm'. Normally we'd subconsciously quiet the Lizard Brain before it even starts when it comes to things we know without a doubt that we can handle. But, when it comes to life's bigger challenges like changing jobs, starting your own business, buying a house, starting a new relationship, whatever big decision we have to make often triggers this little Ole' Lizard Brain.
3. And by recognizing the Lizard Brain and what it says to keep me from achieving my goals, I can actively answer and quiet its very negative self.

Sometime ago, I took a Gratitude challenge with Shanel Cooper-Sykes and one of the steps was to write a Love Letter to myself. Having written that letter, I find whenever I'm faced with these negative thoughts I'll read my Love letter to help rebuild my confidence in myself. It may seem corny and maybe even a little narcissistic but sometimes you really have to remind yourself just how wonderful and beautiful you are and just how capable you are. So if you haven't written yourself a Love Letter lately, write one now and remember to include all the qualities you love about yourself, whatever makes you - You!


Secondly, do as much research on your goals, enough that makes you comfortable with it. So when the Lizard Brain comes with its 21 Questions, you can answer it. Whatever question pops up, answer it. And if you dont have an answer, research some more. 


Another strategy is to counteract the questions that pop up. "What if I am successful?" What if I do get the promotion?" What if hate myself later on in life because I didnt try?" And it helps to be specific with the retorts so you can really see the possibilities. So I'd ask, "What if I'm so great at this that, not only did I create a clientele, but I have to hire other people, offer other services, work 4 days a week, and meet interesting people, and am required to go to these wonderful places?" What if this ALL really worked?! I would never know if I succumbed to the Lizard Brain with its "Big, fat, negative wordsy mouth". 


But, as much as I fear I would actually fail and have to go back to the drawing board, I think the biggest mistake I could ever make in this life is staying miserable in this place and not try ANYTHING! 
That scares me more than the Lizard Brain . . . and that's motivation enough!

The Simple things!

Open up your mind and see like me, Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find LOVE, Love, love, love!
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing, We're just one big family,
And its our God forsaken right to be LOVED, Loved, loved!


So I wont hesitate no more
No more it cannot wait
I'm Yours
There's no need to complicate our time.
Is short, this cannot wait,
I'm Yours!
Jason Mraz

Ugh! I LOOOOOOVE this song! 


Just recently I bought my first laptop. 'Late!' I know. Growing up, the family had a laptop but I never officially had a laptop for myself. But this past month, I did extensive research, I carefully read all the specs on each laptop and got into the swing of computer lingua. But I did it! I bought my very first laptop. To finally see the laptop on my bed, to start it up and see "Please wait, preparing YOUR laptop for FIRST use" . . . ? Was simply amazing! 


And . . . I'm here on my bed surfing the net and listening to my own music with my boyfriend. And one of my favourite songs happens to be playing?! I cant lie - I am amazed with how a simple decision like this can make a world of difference and bring such joy. You know when you're at work, rocking away to the radio station, or your favourite playlist, and you're actually enjoying 'work'?! Now, I can get this feeling at home! Anytime! 


Such a beautiful feeling!

I Loves it! And I heart my laptop!